Is it safe now? Goodnight.

Quarter past ten. Alighted the bus with everyone drudging home. 

Four blocks to go. 

Not too late considering how others work late too. Feeling irritated, someone is walking too close. Talking about work, remember to send that email out tomorrow. Can't afford to forget that you know. *skin prickles* 

The carpark is so big yet someone has to walk so close to my heels? Cross the road for more space. Hurry the car is almost too near. Oh fine just make a dash for it. Hmm the person crossed as well that's weird. I crossed quite dangerously. Still on my heels, what is this. Slow down and let them pass. What's the hurry anyway, it's not that late. 

Three blocks to go.  

 Keeping pace together? What is the matter now. I'm already walking slower to let you pass since you're in such a hurry. Lots of space, it's an open air carpark and road seriously, and you're being irritating. Fine. Forget it I'll walk faster then.  

 Why are you keeping pace? Hand tightens on bag. Phone safely in bag. Looking out for dark spots. Hairs on back tingles. Left diagonally behind me. Male, short, small sling pouch. Phone in hand looks lost? Pretending to be lost? How hard can i throw a punch? Punch with a fist or punch with my phone in hand? Would that be harder? Two blocks to go. 

 Better to walk towards the block with the coffeeshop with people drinking beer even though its out of the way. Safer. Safer from what? What does a trailing person want? 

 Ah. He has overtaken. Walking in front of me in the bright lights of level 1 corridor despite the closed shops. Well since he is ahead of me. Let me slow down... In fact. He's far enough away... I'll just go back round the corner and go back to my route. Albeit it being darker at that one spot. But... I'll just tiptoe just in case. 

 Whew. Im back to the carpark let's get home. What's that? *whirls around and check*  

Two car lengths away, why the hell did he come back around the corner for? 

Shit. 

 Look for other people in the surrounding. Freak. Man with plastic bags avoiding the situation walking home fast and going wide. Shit. 

 *walk two steps. Turn back and glare harder* not-joking face. I-know-what-you're-up-to face. Heart thumping. 

 "Im sorry. Im just looking for a shop... A shop to buy a drink." 

 Don't answer him. *walk on. Turn back and glare.* what is he still there for? What a rubbish rubbish excuse. Come on just one block to go.  

 "So sorry!"  

 What?? How would a stranger with no intentions know why im glaring. If you're innocent you would think I'm the crazy one. Is he going to follow me? No? Good. Walk on. Where's the man with plastic bags that was going home? Maybe he can help. Shit he walked so much faster you would have thought he was being followed. Thanks for the support really. Thanks for nothing don't let me see u around as well. Reached bright lights. *turn back to check* 

Don't run its ok.

 Is it safe now? Goodnight. 

Losing a parent?

I could write several pages regarding my emotions and thoughts (both well processed and not thought through), but I'm just writing about people's reactions to the news. I've just read an article "How not to react when I tell you my parents are dead"

  And if I recall properly I can relate to some of them. (Not the AWWW one though, didn't get that). Well I do know that lots of people don't know how to react and are trying their best. Even I don't know how to react though I may have been in similar shoes. However, just want to share the initial feelings and thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, are you okay? yada yada"

Well I shouldn't have but I kept rattling in my brain you can't understand, you don't.... I shouldn't have even thought all these bad thoughts, diminishing peoples heartfelt concern. OH BUT HOW I BURNED WHEN THEY STARTED LAUGHING AT THE WAKE. I could have zapped them with laser from my eyes or my magic finger! I felt that everyone, every single one, should be solemn or at least have the whole time in hushed voices speaking about nothing else but how he was, how it happened, or how the family is. I criticised their dressing their attitude and took them to be careless happy-go-lucky unfeeling souls. But I shouldn't have. Maybe they needed to lighten the mood, that they were too feeling overwhelmed and lost. 

I called my friends who I knew had lost a parent, apparently all three were fathers, and I apologised. I just have a overwhelming urge to say that I didn't truly understand how it felt (although I tried really hard), didn't know what to say and wanted to share it now. (but that previous article above says it people's losses can't be compared, I think I disagree... the magnitude of what someone is feeling cannot be compared but maybe it can be said that you are able to relate to the loss, not wholly persay but at least a little and that maybe also provide consolation, that one is not alone) 

Perhaps its ridiculous but I still don't know what to say. But I know its the sincerity. Silence can be good as well. Telling people in anyway way that you can and will be there for them (if you really think so and not saying that cause its a good thing to say hor).

"Let me know if there's anything I can do"

 I was feeling so much hate and anger at anything till I was second guessing everyone' good intentions, staring at them while they consoled me, my brain goes like this: "they don't understand they don't understand, is there anything I can really ask them?" "really can you help me? can you stay here with me? seriously will you? what can you even do? Can you even take care of my dog? NO! NO! NO!" Then I start dissecting their words and like thinking that I have to think what they can or cannot do before asking them. Which leads to me thinking they can't do anything at all. Oh wow what a thought process. I took their words seriously maybe I shouldn't have, maybe everything was said in passing, but I wanted to. I wanted to clutch at any straw like a drowning person.

Well then if I was to think about it properly, I guess that most people are sincere or at least I would like to believe so. And if I had turned to them....

Seriously the dog was a big issue. Always a burden. Especially if your relatives are slightly selfish and you don't have a maid. I guess you cannot bring the dog to a 3-5 day wake.  Whenever anything happens, first thing to consider is what to do with the dog, where to put it, how to feed it on time. UGH!!!! just take it off our hands please! Perhaps not only for bad situations, currently thinking about going overseas for studies and being responsible for the dog I can't just push it to anyone not even my mom. AHH

Despair

Expect naught but disappointment
Expect only to hope
Hope with full uncertainty
 

Away, away, you shall fly away,
O'er the peaks and vales
To the lands beyond.
Away, away, you shall fly away,
And never return to me.

Gone! Gone you shall be from me,
And I will never see you again.
Gone! Gone you shall be from me,
Thought I wait for you evermore.

                       (Christopher Paolini, 2005, Eldest)

~Revised~
Expect; to desire full of certainty
Expect naught but disappointment
Expect only to hope

Hope; to desire full of uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds desperation
The despair of the arrival of disappointment
Hope and not despair


IF: Expectation and disappointment are proportionate. Uncertainty and despair are proportionate. Hope and certainty are inversely proportionate.

Rain--Priscilla Ahn, Music Video

Despite that, Its a nice rainy day today.

taking on too much

I think I took too much more than I can handle... I should learn to put things down.. But now... Ahhhh stressing out. Good thing the boys exams and done soon. And the girls would be done before my exams. I'm gonna burn out. Shoot. Yet was so reluctant to let ma go work.

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 Quoting someone from facebook.

My parents: the sweetest people on earth ever. Missing mum's daily warm embraces. No more goodnight hugs for the next couple of months darn it.>.<"

Hmmm...


No more goodnight hugs.

Mom's birthday

My mom didn't like to celebrate her birthday.

"Cannot celebrate birthday see what happened to Humbear" So sorry. I didn't know I shouldn't bring him out and treat for the first time for the 60th birthday. Of course if I believed that 10 days later this would happen I'll still do that because I don't believe its the cause of it. Also don't believe that my facial condition would link to this.

 At least she was pretty welcoming and happy with the pretty cake and petite candles :)

Surprised her!

Well Look at what I found in Humbear's wallet. I have his funny ears. :)

Dear piano. I'm sorry.

I just read a blog post of a friend regarding doing the bare minimum practicing piano and not improving.


I think about myself, because recently an increase in situations have put me in front of the piano with people who are interested but never played. And I join them. I must confess that despite all these years, despite the piano that is going to be lugged over by 6 men with ropes and mattresses heaving and grunting for $200 and  DESPITE the digital one sitting there now, I've given up and for a LONG LONG TIME I've been claiming that.... I know naught of the playing of the piano. Don't look at me don't ask me to sit down play a song, me? I don't know how to play no no no no.....

To me, 90% of this I feel is true. This is not a baseless claim. I know how to play a piece of two, that 10%.

To me making music should have the thought and understanding of music. What I can do with the piano, is play a piece that has been drilled physically and audio-ly into my fingers and brain. No scales, poor sight reading, no tempo understanding, UGH rhythm, time signatures! I haven't been using my brain. Reproduce the music ah yes can, tempo, "the word that sums up the volume changes and movement thingy", notes, drill it get it, but understand, retain, making it slighlty your own... not me.


I'm a robot and I have quit. I rather not do anything with it. Its shameful.

Why I haven't used my brain. I keep sleeping when I start to touch the piano. I play a piece or two once or twice, sprawl across the bench and knock out from the exhaustion of my brain. hahahaha. I have a theory that my brain shuts down if I concentrate really hard. Is concentrating the same as focusing??


Regardless of all this, I am not without a skill, I believe that I make a wonderful audience...... except if I concentrate too hard I fall asleep!!!! HAHAHA.....

 Nugget....

 Me and Shing went to Rosyth! Its really great didn't expect to be let in but hehehe we were charming enough :D

 This is the lecture theatre where choir practices were held at! And the library is next to it, is were I spent most of my free time. :) Shing and cher plays neopets and I read! Now they've attained a fantastic collection of books.

 AHHHH 2001 SYF! Who do we see?

In chronological order:

And these blog articles.

http://aubenoire.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/falling-in-love/

http://aubenoire.wordpress.com/2011/07/01/use-protection/


After doing this I ponder... Well I shan't say anything about this. Just trying to get it out of my head.

If I think I can, I can make it work.

Why I feel immature
I  can't handle my school work, emotions, shy during wrong situations like talking to professors. (don't we point at the people talking to profs and comment on how mature and keen on learning and outspoken they are?)
I act irrationally, the way I behave with friends (my mom calls it being the fool),
I don't have deep critical thoughts of worldly issues. too busy with day to day issues and my own.
I only think of myself and people immediately surrounding me. See I hate all these I I I I I I . I should talk like ELMO!

Why Hazel feels mature suddenly
Dealing with situations mostly adults handle.
eg: funeral handling, house buying, opening/closing bank accounts, contract signing, grants of authorisation, meet lawyer, apply for stuff. cheque writing.
Hazel can't explain properly, but Hazel knows these are like practical life stuff that everyone would handle at some point of time. But it makes Hazel feel old doing all these now. On the other hand Hazel feels so prepared for anything that will come her way.


Humbear was funny. He had a few jokes up his sleeve.
There was the pulling his arm out of his sleeve one,
Calling me donkey and dumbo.
Putting his forehead against mine and taking my headaches from me. Then going ARGH ARGH!! so pain! :)
When I ask, "where's ma?" He'll rummage in his pocket and take his fist out and say "Nah here in my pocket"
Catching me unfocused while supposed to do work.
Secretly buying me colour pens when I was younger, keeping those I bought secret from ma too.

I realised its not really the funny stuff anymore. Doesn't seem funny.


I used to be TERRIFIED maybe still am, constantly dreading when my parents would you know... die. does everyone think about it? tell me hor. :)
Like when I was 7. (I did alot of pondering during that age. Starting thinking about why was I born and what is living and dying and do we have souls, and purposes and death. Also did alot of imagining as well hence quite cuckoo in my head) Oh yes so when I was around that age, would wake up in the night and check if my parents were BREATHING! terrifying! wait till they snore or put my finger there.

Now I still do, occasionally, when my mind runs wild. Hmmm. Does it count as mentally preparing myself if I imagine it coming? Sometimes I do too. I feel very bad like it may make it come faster! But my imaginations runs wild and I get to the point where I react like its real. cry of course. Mostly before falling asleep when the mind is like in the drifty portion between thoughts and dreams like the frothy bits of waves as it rolls against the sand. When my mom is most silent and I'm scared that she may turn cold and be not-breathe. Snoring is good.


Blogs have different purposes ya. This one's for sharing my emotions and thoughts. Actually felt shy and thought I'm weird people would think I'm weird. But I realised NOWADAYS people who do come see aren't those mean kaypo comparing mean ones. But the ones who want to know cause they care. Thanks. :) Anyway though I know you're there for me, its hard to SAY all these. Like really lar even my mom! What if I told her all that! I think she'll smack me for imagining her .... Ooh and jy. especially him. too emotional. stuff that cannot be solved.

Today:
I asked my mom to cook oxtail stew, saying so long haven't eaten that. She said, "Humbear's not here already"
She keeps contemplating if she should work. I stubbornly think she doesn't need to. I feel like Humbear, he doesn't think she needs to as well. I think I can. I smile and wave her off.

Alot of times I get demoralised and scared and the thoughts in my head goes as such eg: "I can't be choir head what if.... etc... I can't study and stay hall at the same time... I can't tuition as much... I can. If I think I can I can sure make it happen." Then I get happily surprised by my own change of thoughts its like someone else in there.

Budak Pantai

Went to YMCA for the regular Budak Pantai concert with bosty and his friend which I don't really talk. Hmm I seldom talk to friend's friends.. Budak had a few new songs today. Some not so nice some nice. I love how they're so old with families already and still singing together, having fun, progressing in a hobby. Heh the guitarist. hehe.

Father's day is tomorrow.... They sang a song for it. what an awful awful song.

the part I can remember

, "... I wasn't there the morning my father passed away, ... perhaps I could feel his spirit in the air... I didn't get the chance to say we didn't see eye to eye..." chorus is like " we can listen as well as we can hear... something something... say it loud and true/clear... before we die"

It started off with a funny "circle of life intro" which blended into living life and grasping time before we die. and then it hit me, the words, like a freeze gun hah. the verse so explicit so direct so vivid.

My ma called me and asked me if i had lessons, told me to come home and bring her to TTSH. She had sore throat and needed to see the doctor. She did sound awful so I took a cab back after breakfast. She said she didn't want Humbear to worry he had to work so didn't tell him. I wanted to call him while in the cab but I thought I'll do that later. I reached home and asked ma to hurry lets go. But she was on the phone talking strangely about some other person. I saw his shoes at the doorway. I saw his bag untouched and I started calling for him through the house. Then I start calling for ma to explain to me for how could he leave the house without his shoes. I mostly mostly almost kept calm as ma told me. then I called shing to ask stuff. I thought everything was all right and he'll wake up like in the drama series. I couldn't wait to get to TTSH but thinking people would fetch us we waited for a while but in the end went by ourselves, waiting for cabs. how nice. 

Anyway that was a good, fun song but really awful to my ears. I realised they don't tell us the titles to their songs. Sometimes I'm not in love with the songs but its so unique and the ending chords are so strange and funny.

Continuation

I find a photo blog post terribly unfulfilling! I am filled with an intense urge to elaborate! Sighs, 21 on the 21st of May. :) I'm just glad the people I'm close to came by and spent some time with me. I wanted to go visit Humbear but noooooo superstition has prevented me... 

Suddenly while looking for my 20th birthday family photo I've an intense longing.

This is Humbear after I was begging him to do this for me on webcam one of our thousands of video conversations during the 5 year stint in China. I also missed him a whole lot during that time cause I knew how hard it was on him as well but there was little other options. How the winters were long and lonely and how I grew tired of trying to communicate with what was slow internet. How the summers were hot and had huge mosquitoes, how his neighbours were strange and cranky. I'm so sorry for ever losing interest in communicating. It was so tough. I used to see an illusion of him out of the corner of my eye around the house, imagine him calling me or making me a cup of milo or tucking me in. One thing I'm glad of is that as least he lost his previous job and came home to us for 4 years before leaving for good. My heart aches. Like a cramp. Like a foot cramp that makes you double up except that its in my chest and I can't stretch it and I can only hold myself.

I dislike people complaining about what I think of as minor losses, but I tell myself not to think this way as perhaps to them their hamsters or little birdies are very important to them as well. Also dislike people saying "fml" for any reason at all. Sighs. I'm afraid of being influenced, by many things, vulgarities, morales, opinions. Once I was suddenly in a burst of hot temper after being honked by a car who had the right of way I was either going to curse or flick my middle finger. I don't know what got over me. See, I didn't even want to do that but... perhaps influenced by other people's way of expressing anger has got to me. I was very astonished with myself.

Okay back to the main thing, 21st birthday, people spending time together, OH Huiting... I don't know what does this girl has but she has a hold over me. Every little thing she does can affect me. HAH she ignores me, she doesn't reply or call, she's late for my party, she wasn't there to help out. whew I was close to tears of either anger or longing. there's a photo of that. 

Don't know why I'm bound to her like migratory routes to birds. She's got me wound round her finger hahaha.

By the way, the egg cup with chicken feet is so not easy, what an irony, its not chicken feet at all. The clay was like honey, too soft and the chicken can't stand and the sticks was gettting out and holes were forming! What a nightmare. Hah. too bad I didn't have space for the whole name. I'm sure it would have be liked more in that way. I love making things for people but don't have the time and I always end up doing it last minute HOHOHO...

Finally I'm out of things to say. Oh no, look at that photo of "jamming" in the void deck. Was with bosty and oh my gosh am I tone deaf? I cannot harmonise at all HAHAHA its been 3 "sessions" of trying and I keep singing an octave above or spend the whole song gliding up and down the notes. I can't be the next choir head! What a big fib I must have told hall master... but I miss hall, I miss the Common hall especially, I like singing alone there it makes me sound good muahhahha... echoy... my secret hide out. OKAY i'm a big mouth its not a secret anymore.

To stay or not. After being promoted to sole breadwinner, I'm pretty stressed. I try and try to tell my mom its okay and go ahead with all the renovations but she just ignores me and that i'm working. Though its not much it can get more or maybe not if i'm staying in hall... but I'll maintain it and it is at least sufficient to cover hall expenses and food for the both of us. SIGHS! I've made a decision to base my own on another persons. heh cheat. well, I'll find a balance, won't take too many students though I really enjoy teaching them. :) One day soon in the new house I'm converting one of the rooms to a tuition/study one. whoopeedoo....

Finally I'm out of words.

I'm 21 by the way...

Thank you everyone. but even without these presents I feel so loved!

 ukulele from huiting! after making me so upset i nearly cried! stupid stupid girl. the only one who can keep hurting me and i still go running back.

 sweet little Cleo getting so smart.

Boey Pua Tor and Boey Kia Si left to right.

 Harmonica and harmonica... holder?

 Playing in the void deck...

 

And here's my own little audience! :) was pretty shy and embarrassed when they started watching.

  

something new!!! who is it for??

End of my once in a blue moon photo post. :)

Cambodia!!!

I've gone to this country twice now and I"m falling in love with it! In fact I think I've fallen in love with almost all the countries I've been too except perhaps Hong Kong and Taiwan. There's this tugging feeling in me to revisit all the countries I've been to countless times. I want to live everywhere, not a short tour for a week but perhaps a month or two. Perhaps it could be called a traveller's itch, or a wandering something. My eyes are open, taking in everything, my senses heightened and I feel free and uninhibited, perhaps even more daring.

Let see, Cambodia.... The food is different from chinese, indian, malay, western, japanese... etc... I would call it Khmer/Vietnamese. Cause I know that Vietnamese food is very similar. There's so much lime I love it! porridge with lime, soup with lime, drinks with lime, pepper with lime, fish with unripe mango, salad with mango, I love the incorporation of fruits into the dishes. Gives the meats a very fresh tangy taste. I love palm tree fruit, palm tree sugar, palm tree juice (fermented). This palm tree fruit has a texture like nata de coco and atap seed combined. There's a delicacy which consists of a boiled fertilised duck egg with a young duckling inside, that I couldn't eat because I could not work out how to swallow and digest the beak and legs and feathers! But the sauce provided was nice.

The people of Cambodia that I've met are all so friendly, the children whom we taught started to grow on me and I wept torrents last year when we left Kampung spur. This year the class I taught got my handphone number and called me a few times before I left cambodia. I didn't get a chance to communicate across that overseas they can no longer call me :( I just hope they retain some motivation or inspiration. I know that the sustainability of the knowledge we transferred would last only a week or so but I hope the impact and impression we have may spur their future endeavours....

Angkor WATTTTTTT!!!! I think there's people who spend a week or so exploring each temple. Though I don't have the patience or attention span to do that I would like to spend more time there, perhaps with breaks in between else I zone out when the guide is talking. I think this happens quite often, I remember in Italy on a JC trip I also zone out after my brain is so saturated with the history of the places and statues and what nots.

I feel that I'm familiar with my way around Siem Reap especially because its a small city and most of the activity takes place in a small area of 4 or 5 roads. Also its a major tourist hub, the tuk-tuk drivers speak english, shop keepers speak english, the touristy areas are within driving distance, the markets walking distance, the motel is cheap and I remember the way back...

One day I'll go back again. Probably no longer with the OCIP team of course. It was a good run.

Graduation Night

11 April 2011 was a very good day indeed.


I completed one presentation for UROPS, it went perfectly and was very enjoyable.


Also, I finally plucked up the courage to sing without the comforts of 50 other voices in chorus.
I performed for KEVII's Graduation Night. :) Although it was not my turn to graduate, I think it is my last year in KEVII and I really wanted to show my gratitude and love for this hall, this family, this second home of mine for 2 years.

Dream- Priscilla Ahn and Time to Say Goodbye- Andrea Bocelli.

There's only one thing I regretted that night. I regret how I only felt so welcomed so befriended so happy with hall during the final semester here. Maybe its me, maybe its the circumstances no-one can do anything about, maybe its just the way things were. Despite that, it leaves me yearning for more, and also cherishing the moments passed.

Thank you King Edward VII Hall. Some say its the people, the friends that make the hall stay memorable. That of course is true to a large extent, but I feel that somehow there seems to be a spirit of KEVII hall that brings so many of us together, that shelters us and nurtures us in this period of which we are finally on the verge, on the edge of the cliff, on the brink of taking wing.

Though many of us may continue to cling on to the nest, yearning for more time in the comforts of the arms of KEVII, we have our time, each different. The different circumstances, choices, actions has led to this, sometimes trying would be in vain. Lets boldly take flight, a running leap off the cliff. How else to learn to fly after you've gained the theory? I hope I can hold on to this theory when it comes to the big graduation :)

I didn't study

What to do... I don't want to calculate if its even possible to pull up the grade with the final paper.

Let me be free

Go away world. With our ideals and opinions and criticism that stings. Can't you be tactful?

Go away world. I can't help comparing with everything you do.

I really dislike facebook. It strips away fundamental communications.
You don't care about me when you meet me but you spend time digging and looking if I put anything on facebook. I want the opposite. Maybe you do care but please show it. Loneliness creeps up on people.

By the way, I'm getting so irked by crude language spitefully used on me with the knowledge of me disliking it. What to do what to do... Not being able to have a calm discussion. Disliking the way each other talks. Why am I so stuck on you when what I really need is a break.

There's so many many many things I want to do. There's so many things I have to do... There's also lots of things I shouldn't do... ( like dilly dallying, stoning, being unfocused). I don't like this thing called YUUKNEE.

Things I want to do are more important then things I need to do:

1. Do well in school
2. Make music
3. Make Cher's card
4. Meet these two awesome people
5. Sculpt something
6. Paint my shoes
7. Train my dog
8. Exercise
9. Keep in closer contact with everyone
10. Write a compilation of facts or emotions about Humbear bibliography? my mom insists. I did tell her I'm writing it on the blog but nooooo.... 

On a separate note, I always liked Humbear's handwriting.

Out with the old in with the new.

I've accidentally deleted my old blog. All those memorable posts with emotion and memories since I was 16 washed away with a click! Good thing I keep a physical diary. Well its not all bad to lose everything. I remember my secondary two math teacher telling us about her computer crashing and how although she lost lots of work and information and documents, there's a sort of weight lifted off her shoulders and she can start afresh again. My memory is a little cloudy so I can't remember the exact words. But the jist is there is a silver lining in every cloud :)