Thursday, 1 October 2015

Is it safe now? Goodnight.

Quarter past ten. Alighted the bus with everyone drudging home. 

Four blocks to go. 

Not too late considering how others work late too. Feeling irritated, someone is walking too close. Talking about work, remember to send that email out tomorrow. Can't afford to forget that you know. *skin prickles* 

The carpark is so big yet someone has to walk so close to my heels? Cross the road for more space. Hurry the car is almost too near. Oh fine just make a dash for it. Hmm the person crossed as well that's weird. I crossed quite dangerously. Still on my heels, what is this. Slow down and let them pass. What's the hurry anyway, it's not that late. 

Three blocks to go.  

 Keeping pace together? What is the matter now. I'm already walking slower to let you pass since you're in such a hurry. Lots of space, it's an open air carpark and road seriously, and you're being irritating. Fine. Forget it I'll walk faster then.  

 Why are you keeping pace? Hand tightens on bag. Phone safely in bag. Looking out for dark spots. Hairs on back tingles. Left diagonally behind me. Male, short, small sling pouch. Phone in hand looks lost? Pretending to be lost? How hard can i throw a punch? Punch with a fist or punch with my phone in hand? Would that be harder? Two blocks to go. 

 Better to walk towards the block with the coffeeshop with people drinking beer even though its out of the way. Safer. Safer from what? What does a trailing person want? 

 Ah. He has overtaken. Walking in front of me in the bright lights of level 1 corridor despite the closed shops. Well since he is ahead of me. Let me slow down... In fact. He's far enough away... I'll just go back round the corner and go back to my route. Albeit it being darker at that one spot. But... I'll just tiptoe just in case. 

 Whew. Im back to the carpark let's get home. What's that? *whirls around and check*  

Two car lengths away, why the hell did he come back around the corner for? 


 Look for other people in the surrounding. Freak. Man with plastic bags avoiding the situation walking home fast and going wide. Shit. 

 *walk two steps. Turn back and glare harder* not-joking face. I-know-what-you're-up-to face. Heart thumping. 

 "Im sorry. Im just looking for a shop... A shop to buy a drink." 

 Don't answer him. *walk on. Turn back and glare.* what is he still there for? What a rubbish rubbish excuse. Come on just one block to go.  

 "So sorry!"  

 What?? How would a stranger with no intentions know why im glaring. If you're innocent you would think I'm the crazy one. Is he going to follow me? No? Good. Walk on. Where's the man with plastic bags that was going home? Maybe he can help. Shit he walked so much faster you would have thought he was being followed. Thanks for the support really. Thanks for nothing don't let me see u around as well. Reached bright lights. *turn back to check* 

Don't run its ok.

 Is it safe now? Goodnight. 

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Migraine dairy

Ever heard of barometric migraines? Neither did I till I finally suspected the oncoming rainstorm as a cause for my extreme headaches, until I put two and two together and saw a link between the the migraine going away as the rainstorm ended.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015


Once, I dreamt you came to my graduation and we had a chinese dinner after. A simple dream. But you know the belief that your loved ones visit you in dreams. In dreams I have now a memory of an experience I couldn't have had.

Friday, 16 January 2015


Is it nice, to have a comment or even an opinion, on every person in your vicinity? It is not wrong of course, but how does this behaviour cost you? I couldn't have imagined knowing a person who behaves like what is portrayed on media and only high-school, chick flick media.

Perhaps the behavior starts of as passing good comments, 'praises'. Then in the midst of judging people naturally you criticize as well. And soon everyone you meet passes under judgement. ARE YOU RUNNING A BEAUTY PAGEANT? Are you scouting for a model? Who are you to judge people, especially on the surface? If you going to have an opinion, have it on people's actions, behaviour, form and constantly shape your morals and your expectations of good and bad actions. How can forming and constantly engaging with your idea of beauty benefit a your life in the long run?

It is normal for one to occasionally have opinions on other's looks when something strikes you or when someone's appearance is out of the ordinary or exceptional. But I know that is not the case with this behaviour. This behaviour is one that proactively scans a crowd, a photo, a friend. Its does not result in a light-hearted/genuine comment or appraisal anymore.

I'm afraid, for how this behaviour changes my friends and how they will grow with it. Is it to the extent of a vice, that corrodes their mind and their mentality? We shape society. And yet is this the direction it continues to go?

Should one do nothing when interacting with friends like these, in fear of destroying, ruining, tarnishing a friendship? Or should one have faith in the relationship and attempt to discuss the behaviour? Is this akin to sharing of religion(belief)? To laugh, ignore, agree to behaviour like this not only condones it, but I believe it affects the peers as well. To agree out of peer pressure, to laugh and play along with it, shapes your mentality as well. Strangely, I care for my friends yet fear the outcome of sharing my thoughts.

So of course balance is key. Share my thoughts and whatever happens, let it be, let it beeeee, let it be, let it beeee.

How can you see when your eyes are blinded with an opinion? How can you feel when all you are thinking about is what you thought you saw?


12/13: First year at work. Also the year I spent most on the LDR. The LDR is unlike the BFG. It's a growing green creature that saps and devours you, constantly asking for more and more and is never satisfied.

13/14: Masters of Science. Fantastic year filled with new experiences, 13 new countries and more photos than I could ever edit.

14/15: Starting work again and the LDR is back. The LDR doesn't creep into your life in the middle of the night and take root. The LDR is a showy attention seeking creature, announces its arrival and grabs hold of you and your heart with a vice-like grip. The LDR has sharp claws on its fingers which it used to prod you at night, or even anytime during the day just to remind you its there. The moment of its arrival, the LDR grabs hold of your heart and drags it down into the depths of your stomach and engulfs it, compressing it tightly and only lets go when your heart doesn't resist its clutches. Probably like a dominating ritual.

We've decided to take control of the LDR this year. Not going to give it too much freedom getting its way all the time. Not gonna let it stay up till 4 and 5am before going to bed anymore. I'm going to put my foot down! But it is hard. It doesn't argue but it punishes you for it.

The right to dress how we want

We do have the rights to dress however we want. After acknowledging this, do we still dress like a 'slut'? Referencing 'Slutwalk'.

I have the right as a pedestrian to cross traffic crossings without being killed, does that mean I cross blindly? or stand in the middle of the road?

I also have the right to live in a safe environment but does that mean I take my safety for granted?

Dressing revealingly is akin to living on the edge, probably gives you the adrenaline kick from doing so as well. And I'm not saying it is the causation for any negative outcomes to come, I'm saying, at your own risk.

Similarly, I should be able to walk without my property taken away from me (because stealing is wrong and illegal), but then again should I walk about with an open handbag with my valuables up for grabs? I'm not taking the blame away from the criminal, I'm saying don't give them the chance.

Protect what you cherish.

Wednesday, 14 January 2015


Moving your life to another country is often disorientating. Moving back to live with your parents is even more as with the drop in the control in your life. Especially having lost my room and personal space, clothes and belongings to deep storage and in the end living out of my luggage as if I was still ready to go. Finding back your physical and living space is a process not to be rushed

Singapore is a fast-paced society and to be able to co-exist with this country and another, I've realised to take each return home as if I'm meeting a new country for the first time. No more complacency with prior knowledge and the confidence that I know the social norms. Treating my homeland as a new country is the strangest thing. Being curious, eager to learn and explore would be a benefit, else I would be holed up at home( in the common living space) doing internet stuff. Things to do now would include:

  1. Taking initiative to explore new areas (or old ones, you never know what has changed)
  2. Making more proactive plans and activities
  3. Being touristy includes being aware of public transport changes, the new trendy hangouts and must eats.
  4. Don't beat yourself up over not knowing things

Wednesday, 20 February 2013


So now I'm gonna be trying something new!! Using blogsy on my iPad. I only wish it has an iPhone version as well though. Because all of my photos are on the iPhone! I mean who uses the iPad to take photos? It's seriously retarded. I saw some people using their iPad to take photos while wading into the pool at marina bay sands. Did they not have a phone then? 

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Staff of NUS

YAY *punches fist into the air* for I have started work! Now whats important is to do good work. Be productive and efficient! Shan't say anything negative for now!

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Nine Million Bicycles

Have you heard this song? I like this song, it is quite lovely. Listen here.

Then I had a great laugh reading this, which is a scientist's take on the song!! :)

And I got there from this scientist's letter regarding a poem!

The voltage of life

I cannot write like this. But I think I've been trying to say the same thing.

And the only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldly enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love enough. Nothing else really counts at all. It was a saying about noble figures in old Irish poems—he would give his hawk to any man that asked for it, yet he loved his hawk better than men nowadays love their bride of tomorrow. He would mourn a dog with more grief than men nowadays mourn their fathers.

And that's how we measure out our real respect for people—by the degree of feeling they can register, the voltage of life they can carry and tolerate—and enjoy. End of sermon. As Buddha says: live like a mighty river. And as the old Greeks said: live as though all your ancestors were living again through you.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Frangipani flowers braid

frangipani flowers braid :)
I'm so happy that I have flowers braided into hair. :) wish my mom would stop telling me not to do that cause of pontianak.... hmmm but that month is over right...

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Losing a parent?

I could write several pages regarding my emotions and thoughts (both well processed and not thought through), but I'm just writing about people's reactions to the news. I've just read an article "How not to react when I tell you my parents are dead"

  And if I recall properly I can relate to some of them. (Not the AWWW one though, didn't get that). Well I do know that lots of people don't know how to react and are trying their best. Even I don't know how to react though I may have been in similar shoes. However, just want to share the initial feelings and thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, are you okay? yada yada"

Well I shouldn't have but I kept rattling in my brain you can't understand, you don't.... I shouldn't have even thought all these bad thoughts, diminishing peoples heartfelt concern. OH BUT HOW I BURNED WHEN THEY STARTED LAUGHING AT THE WAKE. I could have zapped them with laser from my eyes or my magic finger! I felt that everyone, every single one, should be solemn or at least have the whole time in hushed voices speaking about nothing else but how he was, how it happened, or how the family is. I criticised their dressing their attitude and took them to be careless happy-go-lucky unfeeling souls. But I shouldn't have. Maybe they needed to lighten the mood, that they were too feeling overwhelmed and lost. 

I called my friends who I knew had lost a parent, apparently all three were fathers, and I apologised. I just have a overwhelming urge to say that I didn't truly understand how it felt (although I tried really hard), didn't know what to say and wanted to share it now. (but that previous article above says it people's losses can't be compared, I think I disagree... the magnitude of what someone is feeling cannot be compared but maybe it can be said that you are able to relate to the loss, not wholly persay but at least a little and that maybe also provide consolation, that one is not alone) 

Perhaps its ridiculous but I still don't know what to say. But I know its the sincerity. Silence can be good as well. Telling people in anyway way that you can and will be there for them (if you really think so and not saying that cause its a good thing to say hor).

"Let me know if there's anything I can do"

 I was feeling so much hate and anger at anything till I was second guessing everyone' good intentions, staring at them while they consoled me, my brain goes like this: "they don't understand they don't understand, is there anything I can really ask them?" "really can you help me? can you stay here with me? seriously will you? what can you even do? Can you even take care of my dog? NO! NO! NO!" Then I start dissecting their words and like thinking that I have to think what they can or cannot do before asking them. Which leads to me thinking they can't do anything at all. Oh wow what a thought process. I took their words seriously maybe I shouldn't have, maybe everything was said in passing, but I wanted to. I wanted to clutch at any straw like a drowning person.

Well then if I was to think about it properly, I guess that most people are sincere or at least I would like to believe so. And if I had turned to them....

Seriously the dog was a big issue. Always a burden. Especially if your relatives are slightly selfish and you don't have a maid. I guess you cannot bring the dog to a 3-5 day wake.  Whenever anything happens, first thing to consider is what to do with the dog, where to put it, how to feed it on time. UGH!!!! just take it off our hands please! Perhaps not only for bad situations, currently thinking about going overseas for studies and being responsible for the dog I can't just push it to anyone not even my mom. AHH

Monday, 10 September 2012

3 idiots

Finally I've watched 3 idiots. A show that struck so close to my core.  I'm so terribly surprised how close to reality yet aptly exaggerated to sufficiently showcase the highlights and main issues in life and college. I love how it made me laugh and cry and I love that it was 3 hours long.

I've been frequenting this website.

Intriguing letters from the past. And that current one is amusing. Some touching, some fiery, some with wisdom, and some with wisdom I don't quite agree to. An interesting read for a day of musing.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

I don't know where am I going

I talked a little to Dr.seow... About my future. (perhaps the lack of it?) What am I doing? Am I cut out for academics? shitty results IQ/ Studying abilities wise I'm probably not cut out for it. Why do something you're not good at. I can't put my finger on it, whether or not I am eager to pursue it fully, or remain where I am, doing other people's experiments. Or do I want to write, publish, write my own stuff.

Or the safe gov job zone. Which none have replied. WELL NONE replied other the one I'm doing now. Sheesh.

Or go teach. My friends have started leaving their schools their (contract teaching) to join NIE for PGDE the 1 yr course 3 yr bond. All of them missing their students having farewells. Knowing where they're headed.

When I'm on campus now, I feel like I'm looking at students from the outside. Wondering if they know where they're heading.

I've just I realised, I can pray. :)

Monday, 23 July 2012

So tired

There's all this pressure to make ends meet and more. To attain the 4, 5, 6 etc... C's (hey i'll give you some better C's to strive for! Compassion, Contentment, Courtesy, Charity, Clarity of thought!!) and the never ending comparisons and temptations to out shine, out-earn, out-country club.  SCOFF SCOFF Yeah I'm scoffing at you. Armani BABIES!!! Imagine that, the state of society and materialism is represented by the "Baby Gap" Ooh I've got a nice one! Mini Armani! Take that! Your offspring, mere brand representatives, slapped with the hot iron on their sweet cheeks once they're hot out the oven. Pardon me.

It is probably not too difficult to make ends meet with my qualifications and prospective job, but the pressure to provide is hateful. The unyielding want for luxury that we cannot afford. No compromise, no agreement? I know we're both not spendthrift, but the constant talk about it scares me to my wits end and such a sensitive topic to broach it is. Treading oh so carefully, I don't want to control the accounts, to limit the spending to set a budget. Don't want to come off as overthrowing authority and taking the reins, to hurt her feelings. I realized what I want is to feel security and that you have a rock solid will and will not be conned by a passing salesman. I want you to have financial security.

Wow this post sounds like I'm having a midlife crisis in adulthood, but before I get into the workforce I have to say, I will not be sucked into the rat race. (CROSSES FINGERS!)

Ah that was just a rant, I'm sure everything's fine, and I can meditate on this and calm myself and isolate those nasty thoughts and worries. Its gonna be tiring 7 days a week :( but look at the happy days as well :)

Went to Gardens by the bay with Ma and 6 Auntie and gugu, :) The place isn't nice but SSO made up for that. And of course the AWESOME free, view of fireworks  up close!!

Friday, 6 July 2012

I don't think i'm the only one

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Monday, 2 July 2012

A sun-drenched land

My wanders have brought me to a sun-drenched land,
To abandoned towns half-buried in sand.
Where as far as the eye can see,
There's not a soul but you and me.
Bones, bones scattered about,
but its for diamonds we're on a lookout.
Howling winds and quaking doors,
Going out to sea, coming home with sores.
Zooming over the open sea,
Over white horses and swells there's lots to see.
There to the horizon! Whales and dolphins,
seals and gannets, cormorants and penguins.
The time will come, for me to leave,
to fly away across the seas.
But the soul's not at rest, the heart not still.
To come back to this land, I must, I will. 

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Camping at Namtib biosphere reserve

Well so there's been many exciting adventures in my life and this must be the top of the list so far. I've learned to drive a boat, double engine rigid inflatable hull boat, driven about for a few days as well, scaled rock face, conquered a hill/mountain, seen the milky way, photographed dolphins on a rocking boat, seen wild horses, springbok, gushawk, orix, fire, camping in the cold... OKAY let me elaborate.

So on the 15th of June, we set off in the morning after some last minute grocery shopping to travel 1600m up the country side towards Aus in search of a hearsay camping site called Namtib Biosphere reserve. And after about 2 hours drive we found the first sign, indicating to turn off the main road and after another 30 mins drive we finally came to the second sign and a third 7km away. Driving off the main road along a beaten track which would be covered in savannah grass in a week if no car has passed that way in that time. It was a long drive up a smooth deceiving slope into a valley nestled in the mountains (to me, hills to them) and we finally reached the campsite. 

We had two tents, Tess and Simon in one and Sara, Shannon and me in another. It was a beautiful sight, something from the scene of lion king, where the sun peeping over the hill cast glorious rays over part of the grasslands and the shadow of the hill stretches out on the side like the "dark side" just like the movie. It was close to sundown as we finally managed to erect our tents and tent covers no matter how slipshod it was. Light was running away fast and despite torches, it was pitch black and walking to and fro the washroom 150m away could get us lost totally!

The stars were magnificent! I've always dreamed about going away to some country and seeing the sky lit up with stars and never was I able to imagine a sight like this. I was standing there mouth agape realizing why would people get into Astronomy and oh I finally see the light. Unless you have been in a place like this and witnessed it with your entire being, it is very different from watching a documentary of stars on television or even in a dark cinema. I was swept away. Walking in the darkness from the washroom I felt as if I was taking step by step into the galaxy itself. I was walking among the stars along the milky way. Oh yes I could see the shimmer of the milky way. I could not get enough of them. 

We often sat around the campfire to keep warm and with all the chatter about me I just snuggled into my extra blanket satisfied to listen to the conversation and gaze at the stars. On the first night I think I suffered from smoke inhalation and felt very uncomfortable the whole time until we doused the fire and got up. At that point I puked and brought back the delicious steak dinner we had. Oh well, I did feel much better after that.

On Saturday, a family of the neighbouring camp suggested to us a quaint waterfall nestled in a valley 15min drive away so we decided to go check it out. Taking about 2 hours of climbing up a valley of boulders and rocks before we reached the place I felt quite wary of my shoes which have been ducted taped to prevent falling apart!. There was no path so we just stumbled through the bush avoiding cacti and other various thorny bushes, Tess and Simon forged ahead, kinda ignoring us. I find the people here too independent, it would be the sort of situation in which if you were with your Sg friends you would turn around ask how are u spur each other on. But no, the scary thing was the lack of camaraderie. Picking our way across rocks and boulders each getting bigger looking as though we're traversing across the remnants of a rockslide. Avoiding nests and swarms of large wasps even I was a bit more than necessarily wary off, eyeing carcasses of rotting porcupines or something alike. When we found the rock pool, we had to find the waterfall of course, and now we travelled higher up, climbing over metre high rocks, then it crossed my mind," How are we going to get down?" ahhh.... I wished all the while I had bought trekking shoes. We set up pit stop at the waterfall. It was worth the climb. But oh they wanted to move on and I don't wanna be left behind! Moving on climbing between granite and boulders and finally I got stuck. Stuck on top a perch of boulders that I can't find a safe way off without jumping and crashing my ankles against rock. With knees trembling and in a half crouch I examined each edge and finally had no choice but choose the least steep one and sort of slid and jumped off. Then me and Sara who were separated from the group made our way back to the pitstop but completely bypassed it behind some more rocks and got lost for a bit before back tracking.

Never felt safer to meet up with the rest who were already lying in the sun dozing or reading. The scary times, sliding uncontrollably off a rockface was over and I was glad to be on solid flat ground when we reached the campsite.

But lo behold the next day they've decided to climb the hill behind the campsite! So I went up but this was harder! Because you can look behind you and see that you've climbed so high up. Inching along crevices fingers clawing into the rock for a finger hold, foothold anything. I grabbed and bushes and rockfaces hoping for something to stabilize myself as we climbed higher and higher. I had to tell Sara, I was afraid of heights! There were flat boulders, metres across and wide, flat as a floor but at an angle that you can walk up, so smooth I was afraid of sliding off but we still carried on, with me on all fours crawling up. Till I just called it quits there and waited for Sara to go to the tip and come back for me.

Waiting there, my imagination ran wild and I hollered for her but only heard my echo. Imagining the horrible slide down I thought I would be stranded and dehydrated without water or rescue and started thinking what to say in a farewell video. I'm mad. Altitude sickness HAHAHA. The way down was just as treacherous but I was overwhelmed to have overcome my fear and also be back at camp ready to end this camping experience.

Monday, 18 June 2012


It was a beautiful calm Thursday afternoon and we've launched the boat from the slipway, clambered onto the boat from the jetty. I was sitting behind the console applying sunscreen before we set off when Tess turned as asked me if i wanted to drive the boat! I was like "Noo.... hahaha..." thinking she was joking. So she asked again, I said "No really?!" And she was serious!

It is not easy! Quite heavy to put the engines into gear and the steering is much less responsive due to the water, so if you've turned right you need to counter turn to the left quite a bit to go straight after. I'm so proud of myself! Feeling good. :) Just came back from camping as well, will write about that in another post. It was a well deserved break from the office and sea days. I've been doing photo identification of bottle-nosed dolphins as fast as I can, hoping to be set to the acoustics analysis soon before I go, I think I would benefit more from learning those skills. Data collection is a serious business here in the field of research and I'm impressed with the administration and how they use efficient software to enter the data and okay I don't know about the statistical analysis, have to read up on my own for that, they won't need me to do that.

Southern Right Whale!

Spotted this one off the north coast on the calmest of days. 4/6/12. Hardly any wind, the sea was like a sheet of glass.  To me this beastie was huge already! the biggest animal I've seen so far, can you imagine if I was to ever meet a sperm whale or humpback! One day, maybe. The Right whale was about twice the length of our boat. I'm trying not to be too touristy here, I know the rest probably had their touristy spells and took all their touristy photos already. So all these boat photos are taken sneakily behind their backs probably from my jacket pocket! Embarrassing haha but its difficult and I'm proud of these few good photos I have. 

Its freezing here, the wind chills you to the bone and the openess of the town makes it colder. When I was in NY and the temperature was lower than this, it didn't feel as cold due to the buildings I suppose. Ah but out at sea my nose could've fallen off! Snuggling into a cold duvet and furry blanket on a queen-size bed now. :) I'm the lucky one among the interns for getting the larger bed, I suppose they're being nice by not taking over this bed when the intern for may left. Tomorrow's gonna be an office day!

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Heaviside Dolphins

 Endemic to these parts of Africa, I'm studying one of the smallest dolphins in the world :)

Well the office work I'm helping out with is regarding bottle-nosed dolphins. see how I have to identify photos to see if they are of the same individual or not. So after 3 days I'm almost done, went through 197 dolphins, 60 odd more to go :) I think they gave me something irrelevant to while away my time but oh well.

Its amazing, today we spotted a Southern Right whale! We went about 10m away from it nearest. My first whale sighting. Its really something different to be out at sea spotting animals, hence the wildlife tourism. But that's not good because those tourist vessels harass the animals unnecessarily and cause stress and induce trauma like propeller injuries. So.... not everyone is so lucky like me! I'm still trying to fit in. It is difficult, I don't know many of the habits, speech patterns, cooking styles, even CHOPPING. I get it all wrong. Washing one cup, big no no, have to wait for a full load. And I thought I was being good by washing when there are dishes there. And oh gosh they don't rinse the soap off! Just set it aside with all the bubbles, to either be wiped or sit there. Cooking a lot of western food like baking bread and gnooki. Well I help out with the preparation of ingredients. This I hope to bring back as something learned, though I doubt I'll know the recipe I hope to get the cooking habits and intuition. I'm really stressed when I can't fit in, don't know what to do with myself hovering about the kitchen table trying to be useful and not get in the way. UGH! I want to belong and feel relaxed! But the food they cook is great, Tess is a great cook.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

34 hours, 5 airports, 4 flights.

It was tough. Sleeping at OR Tambo airport in Johannesburg was so cold the metal bench was sapping my heat away. So cold it was such a long night. All the shops were closed and there was no internet nor power sockets. At windhoek I nearly couldn't pass customs. All the counters started closing and directing me to another and the last one had escorted someone away. Scary. The last plane I took to get to Luderitz had a diameter of 2 meters interior! Smaller planes have less ear pressure, I wonder why.

 I nearly missed my last plane. The airport was so small you had to walk out to the landing strips and the waiting area was just one for all. The sign said south african airlines bound for Johannesburg so I didn't approach, yet it was time already!! so when I did go and find out it was my flight I had to literally run to the plane! and also Some one took my seat and didn't give it up!! Terrible. They are a little inconsiderate. And I've noticed they shuffle their feet while running. It is amusing. I was watching them at the airport.

When I arrived at Johannesburg, met so many people. The Chinese tourists on the flight there told me I was so brave and awesome to travel alone hahaha. They said that in passing. Then, while sleeping over at Johannesburg I met this Japanese lady, Leiko, she just spent a month in Namibia, and another in India and has no plan where's she going next! Quit her job, up-ed and left, going away for a year with a 15kg luggage and worn out normal sneakers! I wanna be like her and do that! She's 30. Sweet, smiley lady talking to any strangers that talk to her. I wonder how does she keep safe. She can't drive! Then inside Johannesburg airport after checking in I met a Chinese man going to Namibia,  he thought I was mainland chinese and I didn't understand half of what he was saying, but I did catch that he's living in Namibia and they have a substantial population of Chinese :)

When I got to Luderitz airport it was only a little bit bigger than a 5 room flat!! (The old ones) I had a mouthful of sand as a greeting from Luderitz. pui pui!! Quite funny though. Tess, the researcher I'm working under was late. Then I realised that Tess and Simon are a couple. They are the researchers I'm working under. Its alot of hard work here. There's another intern, a masters student and pHD student. Everyone's really into their work and have been here since May. I wish I was here in May, then it wouldn't be so difficult to fit in now.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012


Expect naught but disappointment
Expect only to hope
Hope with full uncertainty

Away, away, you shall fly away,
O'er the peaks and vales
To the lands beyond.
Away, away, you shall fly away,
And never return to me.

Gone! Gone you shall be from me,
And I will never see you again.
Gone! Gone you shall be from me,
Thought I wait for you evermore.

                       (Christopher Paolini, 2005, Eldest)
Expect; to desire full of certainty
Expect naught but disappointment
Expect only to hope

Hope; to desire full of uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds desperation
The despair of the arrival of disappointment
Hope and not despair

IF: Expectation and disappointment are proportionate. Uncertainty and despair are proportionate. Hope and certainty are inversely proportionate.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012


Have just been recently reminded by JY how I have been for these 3 years?

Before Uni : "AHHHH I don't wanna go to school so scary can't make it!"

Before/just began staying in hall: "AHHHH I don't want to stay in hall any more! no friends! So lonely so difficult! Don't know who to eat with during dinner, feel outcasted!"

Subsequent years wanting to stay in hall: "AHHHH I don't want to leave hall! I miss my friends! Staying in hall is too good! I have to find a way to stay for year 3! So sad leaving hall!"

Before being KE Choir head: "AHHHH! I don't think I can handle being choir head! I can't teach can't find conductor won't do well!"

Now leaving choir: ":(:(:( Don't want to leave choir"

Now leaving Uni: "Wish I can continue"

I can't put a word to describe me or this 'syndrome' being portrayed. Anyone? :D I probably do this all the while. Eg, before performing, choosing songs (Especially this, for amplitude I asked sooo many people about o mio babbino caro. and now nessun dorma). Before applying to something. I verbally vomit all the fears and doubts and probably send people I'm talking to insane. :(

Saturday, 3 March 2012


Been observing moms handling their children these days. Should multiple kids be treated equally? I've been seeing elder kids get ignored and scolded while the moms are so flustered and frustrated with the crying younger toddler. They're being good and obedient yet get scolded? It looks hard yet I would want to be a very-in-control-of-myself mom who won't scold the wrong kid for nothing. Or ignore one over the other. Is it easier to see the goodness in children than older people?

There's an adorable little boy playing with his mom seeing who can name more countries, fruits, stuff. 5 or 6? So bright!

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Friday, 24 February 2012

I'm terrified.

Of social media. Namely facebook. Afraid to be vocal to voice my opinions, my likes, my dislikes. But then you realize out of your hundreds of friends hundreds of them probably are slightly wary/shy/indifferent as well. For what you see is probably 50 or so highly active vocal people that shape what mainstream is today. So. Doesn't that make 'mainstream' pliable? I should learn from my friends :) like Mafer :):)

Mutant and proud.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012


So when a good friend passingly says, "Why so insecure?" Amidst what I would call kidding around. Brain goes into code red. Guts churn and you so wish the floor was an abyss. OR at least turn back time and have said something else. How does it slip out?

Self-confidence. So subtle, so out of my reach. Its not being over confident, not showy and boasting. Realised how often insecurity is starting to show. When I get too excited over an achievement, repeating it to myself and others. When I evade talking about what I can do because I don't know its worth. Jokes aside I guess people can see through me! Perhaps its not about if I talk to much about something or downplay it alot, but rather the way I talk about it. ARGH the transparency is sickening. Feel as if people can look into me and point and say "why is your kidney purple!"

Okay, what's that question again? Do you think you're awesome? :) Let's go think about it. Believe in yourself.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

mi struggo e mi tormento

Its so difficult to sleep. Let go let go let go.

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