Wednesday, 29 June 2011

If I think I can, I can make it work.

Why I feel immature
I  can't handle my school work, emotions, shy during wrong situations like talking to professors. (don't we point at the people talking to profs and comment on how mature and keen on learning and outspoken they are?)
I act irrationally, the way I behave with friends (my mom calls it being the fool),
I don't have deep critical thoughts of worldly issues. too busy with day to day issues and my own.
I only think of myself and people immediately surrounding me. See I hate all these I I I I I I . I should talk like ELMO!

Why Hazel feels mature suddenly
Dealing with situations mostly adults handle.
eg: funeral handling, house buying, opening/closing bank accounts, contract signing, grants of authorisation, meet lawyer, apply for stuff. cheque writing.
Hazel can't explain properly, but Hazel knows these are like practical life stuff that everyone would handle at some point of time. But it makes Hazel feel old doing all these now. On the other hand Hazel feels so prepared for anything that will come her way.

Humbear was funny. He had a few jokes up his sleeve.
There was the pulling his arm out of his sleeve one,
Calling me donkey and dumbo.
Putting his forehead against mine and taking my headaches from me. Then going ARGH ARGH!! so pain! :)
When I ask, "where's ma?" He'll rummage in his pocket and take his fist out and say "Nah here in my pocket"
Catching me unfocused while supposed to do work.
Secretly buying me colour pens when I was younger, keeping those I bought secret from ma too.

I realised its not really the funny stuff anymore. Doesn't seem funny.

I used to be TERRIFIED maybe still am, constantly dreading when my parents would you know... die. does everyone think about it? tell me hor. :)
Like when I was 7. (I did alot of pondering during that age. Starting thinking about why was I born and what is living and dying and do we have souls, and purposes and death. Also did alot of imagining as well hence quite cuckoo in my head) Oh yes so when I was around that age, would wake up in the night and check if my parents were BREATHING! terrifying! wait till they snore or put my finger there.

Now I still do, occasionally, when my mind runs wild. Hmmm. Does it count as mentally preparing myself if I imagine it coming? Sometimes I do too. I feel very bad like it may make it come faster! But my imaginations runs wild and I get to the point where I react like its real. cry of course. Mostly before falling asleep when the mind is like in the drifty portion between thoughts and dreams like the frothy bits of waves as it rolls against the sand. When my mom is most silent and I'm scared that she may turn cold and be not-breathe. Snoring is good.

Blogs have different purposes ya. This one's for sharing my emotions and thoughts. Actually felt shy and thought I'm weird people would think I'm weird. But I realised NOWADAYS people who do come see aren't those mean kaypo comparing mean ones. But the ones who want to know cause they care. Thanks. :) Anyway though I know you're there for me, its hard to SAY all these. Like really lar even my mom! What if I told her all that! I think she'll smack me for imagining her .... Ooh and jy. especially him. too emotional. stuff that cannot be solved.

I asked my mom to cook oxtail stew, saying so long haven't eaten that. She said, "Humbear's not here already"
She keeps contemplating if she should work. I stubbornly think she doesn't need to. I feel like Humbear, he doesn't think she needs to as well. I think I can. I smile and wave her off.

Alot of times I get demoralised and scared and the thoughts in my head goes as such eg: "I can't be choir head what if.... etc... I can't study and stay hall at the same time... I can't tuition as much... I can. If I think I can I can sure make it happen." Then I get happily surprised by my own change of thoughts its like someone else in there.


  1. i also imagine that alot, the 'D' word. mostly for my family. sometimes i dream it. and i cry in my dream. i still think about it... occasionally now.

    i'm also more of a 'i-can't-say-it-in-front-of-you person',mainly because i don't know where to start the conversation, and how i'm supposed to react, or how i expect the person hearing it to react. but more so, im afraid the person im talking to reacts in a way that'll hurt my feelings.

    like you, i worry alot too. like how maybe i cant concentrate on my studies and take my outside lang classes etc. i wished they would not appear so often.

    i think you and i are pretty much alike, recent events making it even easier for us to empathise with each other. i feel i can relate to you more, what with adult things to worry about given the situation that we are thrown in.

    Did God make us friends from so long ago because he knew/planned of all this, so that you can be a helping hand and i yours, and cheer each other on when we need it?

    I most certainly hope so.


  2. Thank you! I thought I was the only one being inauspicious in that way. Sighs exactly how I feel. I won't really start telling people about stuff cause most of the time I know they won't know how to react as well and it'll all be awkward and not much use. End up trying to just laugh it off.

    I wasn't able to understand, sympathise or even emphatise with some of my other friends before this incident. So after this happened I went up to my friend who lost her father at nine and told her now I understand. So I think its understandable for all those people outside the loop to be unable to relate as well.

    Really glad I have you. Life is kind is such ways. Its like u cross the difficult bits first then help us across and another time I go first and warn and help each other.